How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
CAR TEST: Forget the Miata and buy the mini van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!
CRAFT TEST: Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
TELEVISION TEST: Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends', 'Sesame Street', and 'Power Rangers'. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Jokes | Unintentional Resume Bloopers
Unintentional Resume Bloopers
"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters.
Here's some examples:
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem ...)
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)
"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)
"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)
"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)
"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)
"Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)
"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)
"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)
"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters.
Here's some examples:
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem ...)
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)
"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)
"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)
"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)
"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)
"Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)
"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)
"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)
"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
Jokes | Family Argument | Quick Jokes
Family Argument
A man was walking through the grounds of a university one morning when he noticed a young blind woman struggling with her Guide-Dog. The animal was resolutely pulling in one direction, she in another.
When he offered assistance, the woman replied, "No thanks, this is a family argument. The dog knows I'm supposed to go to a lecture right now -- but I want to miss it."
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
A man was walking through the grounds of a university one morning when he noticed a young blind woman struggling with her Guide-Dog. The animal was resolutely pulling in one direction, she in another.
When he offered assistance, the woman replied, "No thanks, this is a family argument. The dog knows I'm supposed to go to a lecture right now -- but I want to miss it."
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
Jokes | How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Manhattan
2. One hand on wheel, making gestures out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New York City
3. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun on lap: Los Angeles
5. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: From Iowa, but driving in Los Angeles
6. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: Quebec
7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Chicago
8. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: Arkansas
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Manhattan
2. One hand on wheel, making gestures out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New York City
3. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun on lap: Los Angeles
5. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: From Iowa, but driving in Los Angeles
6. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: Quebec
7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Chicago
8. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: Arkansas
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
Jokes | A Little Girls' Prayer | Quick Jokes
A Little Girls' Prayer
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
Jokes | Rich Woman | Quick Jokes
Rich Woman
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery."
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery."
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
Jokes | Beauty Make-Over | Quick Jokes
Beauty Make-Over
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
Jokes | How To Make Babies | Quick Jokes
Making Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, Guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, Guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Source: http://www.laughandlift.com/
Pictures | How To Spend Quality Time With Friends / Coworker / People
How To Spend Quality Time With Friends / Coworker / People
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source:
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Pictures | GOOGLE CLASSIC
GOOGLE CLASSIC
look, how long does it takes to find your search results ???
http://laughoutloud.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/google_classic.jpg
look, how long does it takes to find your search results ???
http://laughoutloud.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/google_classic.jpg
Pictures | Career Evolution in Advertising
Career Evolution in Advertising
http://laughoutloud.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/evolution_advertising.jpg
http://laughoutloud.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/evolution_advertising.jpg
Photos | Have you ever heard of Facelook?
Everyone has heard of Facebook.
But have you ever heard of Facelook?
Pictures | Black & White Panda | Fusion
Two cute pandas doing the “fusion” technique from Dragon Ball Z.
The result is….?
source:
http://laughoutloud.us/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/fusion-pandas.jpg
http://laughoutloud.us/photo/
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Jokes | Horas Bah | Indonesia
BBM semakin langka, hidup tambah SIMANUNGKALIT
Harga2 NAEK, SAGALA PANDAPOTAN MANURUNG, banyak SIHOTANG
Hidup bagaikan mendaki TOBING
Tak ada lagi HARAHAP
Kepala pusing sampai SIBUTAR BUTAR
Rambut rontok dan nyaris POLTAK
Jumlah rakyat miskin sudah PANGARIBUAN
Anak-anak menangis MARPAUNG-PAUNG
Otak sudah SITOMPUL
Tapi kita masih diminta sabar SITORUS
Jangan putus HARAHAP katanya
Mintalah PARLINDUNGAN, supaya BONAR-BONAR selamat
.......
BUTET dah ... !!
Questions | Questions that will always remain unanswered | English
1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
4. Is there another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
6.
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
19. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Jokes | ChinLish Communications | English
Hillarious Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator...
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree . . .=D =))
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree . . .=D =))
Jokes | Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes | English
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
directions: read these outloud
(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift
(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat
(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?
(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man
Dum Gai
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni
It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim
This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
You are not very bright
Yu So Dum
I got this for free
Ai No Pei
I am not guilty!
Wai Hang Mi?
Please stay a while longer
Wai Go Nao?
They have arrived
Hai Dei Kum.
Stay out of sight
Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Sing Ka.
Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki
I thought you were on a diet?
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
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